I've got that itch...

I know, I know. MIA... again. My life is mucho chaotic. But alas, I have great things to write about. Check back tomorrow ;)

Much love as always,
C

Vulnerable.

"It's not like you to turn away

from all the bullshit I can't take

it's not like me to walk away.

I'm so addicted to you."

I don't even know where I am going with this post. I just need to write I suppose. Since I really don't feel like talking to anyone about any of these things. I will write. I am not sure where I am emotionally right now. I went to bed last night feeling, unsatisfied. Not with my entire life, just a portion. I am tired of feeling that way. I can elaborate on the whole "unsatisfied" feeling, but I am afraid it will take days. I just don't know. I did my usual nightly routine. Dinner with kids, cleaned up, watched a little TV, read, got the kids ready for bed. I finally climbed into bed around 11-12ish. The whole time my fingers on my phone. Itching to call, feigning to text. I realized at that moment that I had to stop. I couldn't do this to myself. I do not know what it is about that person but he just attracts me. I am the fly and he is the fly trap. I am unknowingly flying into a trap. The smell of the sweet nectar has me totally blinded to the spikes that will be my sudden death. As I sit in bed watching late night news I decide it's time. It's time to write….him. I had wanted to write him all night, talk to him, touch him, feel him, smell him. But I resisted. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how sad I was. How torn I was. I still have my unresolved issues here to deal with and my life still sorting itself out. I needed to check my emotions, and quick. So I wrote him. I did not text, I did not call. I was a coward. I sent an email. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Instead of writing what I did, I wished I had wrote how much he means to me. How I cannot stop thinking of him. Why is this happening? Why him? It's been over a year with our back and forth and we haven't fallen into a steady pace. I constantly fight with myself over this. Over him. Is it wrong? "Of course my conscious says. You have not yet resolved your prior obligations or issues. It's absurd to think of another man for so long. It's even more absurd because you haven't even finished cleaning up the mess with the last one." My heart breaks a little. I know my conscious is right. It is selfish of me to want this man the way I do and still have so much to do for myself. It would be unfair for him. For me. I think? As I am writing my inner goddess is shooting steam from her ears, and all of sudden she isn't so confident. "What the FUCK are you doing? He makes you happy? Yes. You fight? Yes. Bad? No. He likes and cares for you? Yes. He would take care of you? Yes. You get a rush and care for him deeply? Yes. You know what you want to do? Yes. Then why are you doing the opposite of what YOU REALLY WANT? I don't know." I keep writing. I tell him how I miss him so very much. How on nights like this I wish he could be with me. Next to me. Holding onto me tightly, so tight, afraid I may go, so he holds tighter. I continue to tell him that I didn't want to cloud his life with my issues and my problems and I certainly didn't want to agitate him. I told him I would like to take a step back and leave it there. I instantly wanted to backspace all of that shit. I continued, letting him know that I do care for him so very much, and if we were to run into each other maybe things could be different for us, if he gets involved with anyone I wished him luck. I said we could of been so awesome and so on. But ultimately I was taking a step back and leaving things with that step back. I would continue further without this. I said I would call and say hi every once in a while just so we could be friends…Send a friendly "hello" via text or email. I signed it with a simple "I miss you. Take Care…xoxoxox C" Send. I laid my head down on my pillow and closed my eyes. I went to sleep. I had a dream. It was about him. What's done is done. And even though I feel I did the right thing I don't think I did. I never give up. But I have such a complicated situation here that I need to sort out. It's not fair. Sure we could build our relationship on just physical things but I could feel deep down inside me that it would not work that way. My feelings are invested already, and I have let a man hurt me far too much. I can't do this to myself anymore. Oh … if only I was programmed like certain other women. Women who would be totally content with just a physical relationship. Maybe if it was with someone else. Not him. I care.

So I sit here now, looking at the text from him. I had asked him if he read my email. I usually get a response quickly. He said he hadn't checked yet but he would. The lump in my throat grew larger. I said oh okay well It's there. Have a great day. I didn't know what else to say. I want to write, scream, yell. But I will give up this fight with myself. I will leave it alone. Leave it just like it is now. Even though my mind is constantly wandering to him, and memories, I will stop it there. Until, I can stop fighting with myself.

HNT - 1

It's been forever since I have done a HNT. I wanted to participate though but ended up getting really busy yesterday. Anyways, here it is. I know its not spectacular but next week will be better. My inner goddess is going crazy with ideas! Enjoy!


xoxoxx

I Like This.

I like this song. It fits J and I's relationship to a T. So I am posting. Feel free to read or pass by. I am posting so I may come back and read from time to time. I can't wait for this portion of my life to be over with. The empty promises, lies, abuse, mental anguish, worry, and hurt is just too much for me. After dealing it for 6 1/2 yrs then splitting and getting back together only to continue to deal with it the same way all over again adding a total of 8 years. Its just too much for me. After some tells you things over and over do you start to believe them? Sometimes I do. But I made a choice a few months back not to. Not to deal with this and have slowly made myself distant, again. I cannot tell you the anticipation I feel to be rid of this apartment with him and him. Is it possible to "love someone" but not truly be "in love" with them? Do you ever just stop those feelings? I feel as though I do "love" J to a point, because he has given me two beautiful children, but I do not feel as though I truly am "in love" with him any longer.

Rihanna-Stupid In Love.

Stupid in love
Oh
Stupid in love

Let me tell you something
Never have I ever
Been a size 10
In my whole life
I left the engine running
I just came to see
What you would do if I
Gave you a chance
To make things right

So I made it
Even though Katy
Told me this would be nothing
But a waste of time
And she was right

Dont understand it
Blood on your hands
And still you insist
On repeatedly trying
To tell me lies
And I just don't know why


This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Dont talk to me
Like Im stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

My new nickname
Is you idiot
(Such an idiot)
Thats what my friends
Are calling me when
They see me yelling
Into my
Phone

They tell me let go
He is not the one
I thought I saw your potential
Guess thats what made me dumb
He don't want it
Not like you want it
Scheming and cheating
Oh girl, why do you
Waste your time
You know he aint right

Telling me this
I don't wanna listen
But you insist
On repeatedly trying
To tell me lies
And I just don't know why

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Dont talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

Trying to make this work
But you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep
Holding on
But the dunce cap is off
You don't know what you lost
And you wont realize
Till I'm gone, gone, gone
That I was the one
Which one of us
Is really done

Ooh
No
No
No no
I'm not stupid in love

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Dont talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid
In love

Sexy-Ness All Around

As much as I despise Jennifer Lopez's singing voice, because it really does suck. This video just oozes sex to me. Not to mention PitBull is featured in it. He is someone I would love to do naughty things to. I love the lyrics.




The second is called "ride" teehhee. Its Ciara. That girl can move her body in ways that can only be called magnificent. Enjoy it.

Just A Little Information

So many seem a bit confused. This blog is written by the same person who wrote "Sexy Single Sassy Mom". I also had changed that name to "Sexy Sassy Engaged Mom". We all know I am no longer engaged. Thank GOD! But this is the same person. I really am enjoying getting in touch with all of my old blogger friends. Words will not express how much I have missed talking with you all and how much I have missed writing. It's nice to have a writing "release". HAHA. I am glad that is all cleared up.

I spoke with my beloved L last night. I was very happy. I still am very happy. I went to sleep last night and had a GREAT dream. If you know what I mean. I am very upset I will not be able to see him this week. He is very busy with school. He is getting his masters. Hot, sexy, smart, and did I say sexy yet? Geezus! Even though I am sad I cannot see him this week it will give me time to find him the puuurrrfect gift. His birthday is coming up and I think I know exactly what I am getting him. We got into talking about each other. I was telling how bad I wished I could run over ravish his body in kisses and have him grab a tight hold on my ass. He does seem to think I have a great one. Who am I to argue with what he likes? I don't think he's ever experienced a little naughty talk. Well I'm sure he has but he states he's more of an action type guy. He goes on to tell me that he is sure he's done everything, but he's glad to hear me so confident again. Oh hunny. It doesn't matter how many things you have done, or what you have done. It's how you do it, and who it's with. I could say I met a great guy and we had awesome sex. But then I could I say I was with L and we did the same thing but instead it was mind blowing? Do you see where I am getting with this? Just because you have done everything (or so you think) doesn't mean it was the best. It's all dependant on the partner, the participation, and most important the anticipation. I'm glad he knows I am confident and he would have every reason to know why. I am more than sure I could pull a few tricks out of my bag for him that would blow more than just his mind. Oh what a shitty wait. I guess I will just suck it up and let this week fly by and next week he is MINE.

I have chosen a great song for this post. Even though it's pretty short and just a jumble of thoughts. I have one thing on my mind. And one person.

Rihanna-Rude Boy---

Come on rude boy, boy
Can you should get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma let you be the captain
Tonight
I'mma let you do your thing, yeah
Tonight
I'mma let you be a rider
Giddy up
Giddy up
Giddy up, babe

Tonight
I'mma let it be fire
Tonight
I'mma let you take me higher
Tonight
Baby we can get it on, yeah
we can get it on, yeah

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
You should Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma give it to you harder
Tonight
I'mma turn your body out
Relax
Let me do it how I wanna
If you got it
I need it
And I'mma put it down

Buckle up
I'mma give it to you stronger
Hands up
We can go a little longer
Tonight
I'mma get a little crazy
Get a little crazy, baby

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me
http://www.elyricsworld.com/rude_boy_lyrics_rihanna.html

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking
No, no

I like when you tell me kiss it there
I like when you tell me move it there

So giddy up
Time to giddy up
You say you're a rude boy
Show me what you got now

Come here right now

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come on rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
yeh yeh yeh ,

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me