I've got that itch...

I know, I know. MIA... again. My life is mucho chaotic. But alas, I have great things to write about. Check back tomorrow ;)

Much love as always,
C

Vulnerable.

"It's not like you to turn away

from all the bullshit I can't take

it's not like me to walk away.

I'm so addicted to you."

I don't even know where I am going with this post. I just need to write I suppose. Since I really don't feel like talking to anyone about any of these things. I will write. I am not sure where I am emotionally right now. I went to bed last night feeling, unsatisfied. Not with my entire life, just a portion. I am tired of feeling that way. I can elaborate on the whole "unsatisfied" feeling, but I am afraid it will take days. I just don't know. I did my usual nightly routine. Dinner with kids, cleaned up, watched a little TV, read, got the kids ready for bed. I finally climbed into bed around 11-12ish. The whole time my fingers on my phone. Itching to call, feigning to text. I realized at that moment that I had to stop. I couldn't do this to myself. I do not know what it is about that person but he just attracts me. I am the fly and he is the fly trap. I am unknowingly flying into a trap. The smell of the sweet nectar has me totally blinded to the spikes that will be my sudden death. As I sit in bed watching late night news I decide it's time. It's time to write….him. I had wanted to write him all night, talk to him, touch him, feel him, smell him. But I resisted. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how sad I was. How torn I was. I still have my unresolved issues here to deal with and my life still sorting itself out. I needed to check my emotions, and quick. So I wrote him. I did not text, I did not call. I was a coward. I sent an email. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Instead of writing what I did, I wished I had wrote how much he means to me. How I cannot stop thinking of him. Why is this happening? Why him? It's been over a year with our back and forth and we haven't fallen into a steady pace. I constantly fight with myself over this. Over him. Is it wrong? "Of course my conscious says. You have not yet resolved your prior obligations or issues. It's absurd to think of another man for so long. It's even more absurd because you haven't even finished cleaning up the mess with the last one." My heart breaks a little. I know my conscious is right. It is selfish of me to want this man the way I do and still have so much to do for myself. It would be unfair for him. For me. I think? As I am writing my inner goddess is shooting steam from her ears, and all of sudden she isn't so confident. "What the FUCK are you doing? He makes you happy? Yes. You fight? Yes. Bad? No. He likes and cares for you? Yes. He would take care of you? Yes. You get a rush and care for him deeply? Yes. You know what you want to do? Yes. Then why are you doing the opposite of what YOU REALLY WANT? I don't know." I keep writing. I tell him how I miss him so very much. How on nights like this I wish he could be with me. Next to me. Holding onto me tightly, so tight, afraid I may go, so he holds tighter. I continue to tell him that I didn't want to cloud his life with my issues and my problems and I certainly didn't want to agitate him. I told him I would like to take a step back and leave it there. I instantly wanted to backspace all of that shit. I continued, letting him know that I do care for him so very much, and if we were to run into each other maybe things could be different for us, if he gets involved with anyone I wished him luck. I said we could of been so awesome and so on. But ultimately I was taking a step back and leaving things with that step back. I would continue further without this. I said I would call and say hi every once in a while just so we could be friends…Send a friendly "hello" via text or email. I signed it with a simple "I miss you. Take Care…xoxoxox C" Send. I laid my head down on my pillow and closed my eyes. I went to sleep. I had a dream. It was about him. What's done is done. And even though I feel I did the right thing I don't think I did. I never give up. But I have such a complicated situation here that I need to sort out. It's not fair. Sure we could build our relationship on just physical things but I could feel deep down inside me that it would not work that way. My feelings are invested already, and I have let a man hurt me far too much. I can't do this to myself anymore. Oh … if only I was programmed like certain other women. Women who would be totally content with just a physical relationship. Maybe if it was with someone else. Not him. I care.

So I sit here now, looking at the text from him. I had asked him if he read my email. I usually get a response quickly. He said he hadn't checked yet but he would. The lump in my throat grew larger. I said oh okay well It's there. Have a great day. I didn't know what else to say. I want to write, scream, yell. But I will give up this fight with myself. I will leave it alone. Leave it just like it is now. Even though my mind is constantly wandering to him, and memories, I will stop it there. Until, I can stop fighting with myself.

HNT - 1

It's been forever since I have done a HNT. I wanted to participate though but ended up getting really busy yesterday. Anyways, here it is. I know its not spectacular but next week will be better. My inner goddess is going crazy with ideas! Enjoy!


xoxoxx

I Like This.

I like this song. It fits J and I's relationship to a T. So I am posting. Feel free to read or pass by. I am posting so I may come back and read from time to time. I can't wait for this portion of my life to be over with. The empty promises, lies, abuse, mental anguish, worry, and hurt is just too much for me. After dealing it for 6 1/2 yrs then splitting and getting back together only to continue to deal with it the same way all over again adding a total of 8 years. Its just too much for me. After some tells you things over and over do you start to believe them? Sometimes I do. But I made a choice a few months back not to. Not to deal with this and have slowly made myself distant, again. I cannot tell you the anticipation I feel to be rid of this apartment with him and him. Is it possible to "love someone" but not truly be "in love" with them? Do you ever just stop those feelings? I feel as though I do "love" J to a point, because he has given me two beautiful children, but I do not feel as though I truly am "in love" with him any longer.

Rihanna-Stupid In Love.

Stupid in love
Oh
Stupid in love

Let me tell you something
Never have I ever
Been a size 10
In my whole life
I left the engine running
I just came to see
What you would do if I
Gave you a chance
To make things right

So I made it
Even though Katy
Told me this would be nothing
But a waste of time
And she was right

Dont understand it
Blood on your hands
And still you insist
On repeatedly trying
To tell me lies
And I just don't know why


This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Dont talk to me
Like Im stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

My new nickname
Is you idiot
(Such an idiot)
Thats what my friends
Are calling me when
They see me yelling
Into my
Phone

They tell me let go
He is not the one
I thought I saw your potential
Guess thats what made me dumb
He don't want it
Not like you want it
Scheming and cheating
Oh girl, why do you
Waste your time
You know he aint right

Telling me this
I don't wanna listen
But you insist
On repeatedly trying
To tell me lies
And I just don't know why

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Dont talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

Trying to make this work
But you act like a jerk
Silly of me to keep
Holding on
But the dunce cap is off
You don't know what you lost
And you wont realize
Till I'm gone, gone, gone
That I was the one
Which one of us
Is really done

Ooh
No
No
No no
I'm not stupid in love

This is stupid
I'm not stupid
Dont talk to me
Like I'm stupid
I still love you
But I just cant do this
I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid

I may be dumb but
I'm not stupid
In love

Sexy-Ness All Around

As much as I despise Jennifer Lopez's singing voice, because it really does suck. This video just oozes sex to me. Not to mention PitBull is featured in it. He is someone I would love to do naughty things to. I love the lyrics.




The second is called "ride" teehhee. Its Ciara. That girl can move her body in ways that can only be called magnificent. Enjoy it.

Just A Little Information

So many seem a bit confused. This blog is written by the same person who wrote "Sexy Single Sassy Mom". I also had changed that name to "Sexy Sassy Engaged Mom". We all know I am no longer engaged. Thank GOD! But this is the same person. I really am enjoying getting in touch with all of my old blogger friends. Words will not express how much I have missed talking with you all and how much I have missed writing. It's nice to have a writing "release". HAHA. I am glad that is all cleared up.

I spoke with my beloved L last night. I was very happy. I still am very happy. I went to sleep last night and had a GREAT dream. If you know what I mean. I am very upset I will not be able to see him this week. He is very busy with school. He is getting his masters. Hot, sexy, smart, and did I say sexy yet? Geezus! Even though I am sad I cannot see him this week it will give me time to find him the puuurrrfect gift. His birthday is coming up and I think I know exactly what I am getting him. We got into talking about each other. I was telling how bad I wished I could run over ravish his body in kisses and have him grab a tight hold on my ass. He does seem to think I have a great one. Who am I to argue with what he likes? I don't think he's ever experienced a little naughty talk. Well I'm sure he has but he states he's more of an action type guy. He goes on to tell me that he is sure he's done everything, but he's glad to hear me so confident again. Oh hunny. It doesn't matter how many things you have done, or what you have done. It's how you do it, and who it's with. I could say I met a great guy and we had awesome sex. But then I could I say I was with L and we did the same thing but instead it was mind blowing? Do you see where I am getting with this? Just because you have done everything (or so you think) doesn't mean it was the best. It's all dependant on the partner, the participation, and most important the anticipation. I'm glad he knows I am confident and he would have every reason to know why. I am more than sure I could pull a few tricks out of my bag for him that would blow more than just his mind. Oh what a shitty wait. I guess I will just suck it up and let this week fly by and next week he is MINE.

I have chosen a great song for this post. Even though it's pretty short and just a jumble of thoughts. I have one thing on my mind. And one person.

Rihanna-Rude Boy---

Come on rude boy, boy
Can you should get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma let you be the captain
Tonight
I'mma let you do your thing, yeah
Tonight
I'mma let you be a rider
Giddy up
Giddy up
Giddy up, babe

Tonight
I'mma let it be fire
Tonight
I'mma let you take me higher
Tonight
Baby we can get it on, yeah
we can get it on, yeah

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
You should Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Tonight
I'mma give it to you harder
Tonight
I'mma turn your body out
Relax
Let me do it how I wanna
If you got it
I need it
And I'mma put it down

Buckle up
I'mma give it to you stronger
Hands up
We can go a little longer
Tonight
I'mma get a little crazy
Get a little crazy, baby

Do you like it boy
I wa-wa-want
What you wa-wa-want
Give it to me baby
Like boom, boom, boom
What I wa-wa-want
Is what you wa-wa-want
Na, na-aaaah

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me
http://www.elyricsworld.com/rude_boy_lyrics_rihanna.html

I like the way you touch me there
I like the way you pull my hair
Babe, if I don't feel it I ain't faking
No, no

I like when you tell me kiss it there
I like when you tell me move it there

So giddy up
Time to giddy up
You say you're a rude boy
Show me what you got now

Come here right now

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come on rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Come here rude boy, boy
Can you get it up
Come here rude boy, boy
Is you big enough
Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
Love me
yeh yeh yeh ,

Take it, take it
Baby, baby
Take it, take it
Love me, love me

 

Bits and Pieces…Maybe Chunks.

You will often hear me refer to a certain aspect of myself as "the inner goddess". Let me give you a brief definition of what the inner goddess is to me. My inner goddess is a portion of myself who holds no boundaries. She jumps for joy when I do something daring, sexy, even erotic. She encourages me to be sexy, sassy, and lustful. She helps me lure men and entrap them. So when I make a statement and say something to the sorts of "my inner goddess is thrilled…etc" I really mean that. It is a portion of myself which empowers me and often I wish I could follow what she says. But that could be a bit risky. As she can be a naughty, naughty girl. I am, too. But not AS bad. Here are is a link to more information about inner goddesses : http://www.thatslife.com.au/article.asp?ArticleID=2537 .

The way my birthday falls makes me both a Libra and a Scorpio. I was born on the cusp. Sounds strange? Maybe not for those of you who are into these sorts of things. My birthday ends on a Libra day but in some astrological calendars it also begins on a Scorpio. Which explains my hard headed-ness, stubbornness and downright sharp tongue. Blame that, not me ;). So here are the definitions of my two "inner goddesses"

VENUS
Sep 24-Oct 23
These gals walk with a sassy step as they search for heady relationships and social acceptance.

BAST
Oct 24-Nov 22
Bast-inspired girls are creative, inquisitive and have a fine sense of where their boundaries lie.

I definitely agree with them. To thee T. I do have a sass in my way, and lately have found myself searching for social acceptance in all of the wrong places. It's not as if I don't have friends. I have plenty. But I want to draw myself away from them and re-connect with a few of my old friends. Perhaps that is not the best idea. I am not sure yet. Anyways. Enough rambling about this crap. Let's get to the goods shall we?

I looked at a new house today. To say I fell in love would be an understatement. It is right next to my sons school and the man who owns it now is just great. The price he is offering for it is AMAZING and it is insanely huge. What on earth would I do in that huge home? All alone. Well maybe not always at night ;), but you know what I mean. I am hoping that as soon as this month is over I am outta here. And J can just go AWAY. Except, when it comes to our kids of course. I have my doubts on that especially with his previous behavior. So I hope that can go well for me and maybe get the house. It's something I have to think of and it's a long term thing. I would never imagine at my age I would be going through everything I am now. It's just so crazy. I think back to my life 11 years ago and think how care free I was. No responsibility. Just hanging with my best friends and having a good time. Now, I am working, paying bills, caring for a home, two children and battling my inner self. Life can really fucking suck some days.

I talked to L a few times today. And he said a few things to me that just made me smile from EAR -----------TO----------EAR. How can he do that to me? Especially after a year? Over a year. We haven't been together that year per se, but we have talked and such during those times. Just haven't found our self to fall into that relationship. He can make me smile so big and makes my heart always skip a beat. I feel like a school girl who wants to skip over to him with my hands clasped behind my back and gently kiss his nose. Yes, it's that sweet. We did have our minor disagreement and discussed that today. We both apologized but I did tell him how extremely turned on I was when he told me things in Spanish (even though he is not). I love it when he got mean and rough and showed such authority. I could just picture him mad and his muscles rippling. I'm getting hot just thinking about it. His one liner that lured me in? " How could I be mad at you with an ass like that? You have the BEST ass, and I miss staring at it." Piggish? Yes. Do I like it? FUCK YEAH. The thoughts that ran through my head were all X-RATED. I can't believe it's been over a year and we ARE STILL TALKING. Sure we talk as friends and "stuff". And I am so glad we didn't jump into that relationship back then. I don't think I was ready, I don't think he was. Maybe one day. I hope. How cheesy? Yes. But he makes my heart skip a beat every time. I don't feed myself oh you just met him bullshit, because I didn't just meet him. I've known him. He still has that effect on me. I am about to get onto a chat with him now. So I must go. I wish I could see him freely. But that isn't the case at the moment.

Love to you all.

xoxoxxx

Don’t Let Them Say You Ain’t Beautiful…

I am going to keep this kinda anonymous. I am not stupid and I assume many of you may know who *I* am, as well as some of the people I write about. I am okay with that. I just don't want to divulge or share anymore pictures. One thing I do know is, I need this. I need to write, I have a lot to write about and I really, really need to get it out. I am hoping this will make its way around the world and maybe help others. Perhaps my motivation behind this is for other woman and men to get the courage to just do things. Maybe to help them through tough times, or just simply feel better about themselves. I'd be lying if I said this year has been great, because it hasn't. Of course it has had its great times. More bad than good I would have to say. At least that is what I see in my eyes. So here I am back to my outlet, writing. Hoping to not only touch people and inspire them with my stories and hopefully my courageous-ness, but make them laugh as well. Although this blog may hit some all time lows and depressing moments that doesn't mean it won't make you chuckle (at me). It's going to be everything. This time, I am choosing to put it all out there. I have seemed to fall into a dark place. Craving certain things, doing certain things, and wanting everything completely opposite of what I thought I wanted. So many things have changed and I want to see myself somewhere else, doing something else. I believe everything has happened to me for a specific reason and throughout my writing and my postings I will divulge all of that. So I hope you are willing to take this journey with me. To the deep dark thoughts of me and the happy, giddy, super confident inner goddess. I have many parts of me that I have hid away, and now I choose to open up. Completely.

My current choice of music for this post is EMINEM'S – RELAPSE. I chose this particular album because I relate to it so much at this moment.

Welcome to my world. Let's get started.

Questions first? Sure.

1. Am I engaged still? Hell no.
   
2. Is J still in my life? Yes.
   
3. Has he "changed" as he had promised to? Fuck. NO!
   
4. Am I happy? Yes to a certain extent.
   
5. Am I happy when I around him? No. NOT.AT.ALL.
   
6. Do I love him? Of course. Father of my kids. Am I *IN* love with him? No.
   
7. Do I still talk to L? Yes. More so recently these past few weeks. We had a minor blow out this last weekend. EEK!
   

   
   

   
   

I am going to leave it there. If you have any more questions ask. I will gladly oblige in answering them.

Now onto the good stuff.

Things were going really great with J and I. Of course we were fighting here and there. That's normal with every couple right? Last year it got bad one night. He had threatened to kill a friend I was speaking to on the phone. I loved my dear friend and since being with J I have lost almost complete contact with her. I loved my K. She meant so much to me. And she was really, always, always there for me when I had first separated from him to the wedding shit, engagement, whatever. I am sadden it isn't the same it was. And I have not only myself for totally entrapping my life with J, but it's his fault too. He has turned into an evil person. Very controlling. I can't do this, can't go here, can't have a break, god forbid I hang out with anyone he doesn't know. I am automatically fucking them. Perhaps he is so insecure with his past history he expels it onto me? I think so. I do not really hang out with my former best friend E. We were very, very close as he was going through the same thing. It wasn't a sexual relationship what-so-ever. He was just a great listener and he was going through the exact same thing I was. I am also sadden J has caused me to lose this relationship due to his jealously. Of course he can do what he wants, when he wants, with whom he chooses. If I speak up? Well we can guess what happens there. I am a cunt, bitch, whore and just this last weekend I took a break. I usually go away on the weekends because it's got to the point where I am tired of fighting with him. I have two dear children I love so much, and will not fight in front of them. Anyways, this past weekend I had him pick them up from my mothers on Saturday. He decided to stay out ALL OF FRIDAY NIGHT. This is a regular occurrence. I guess I am supposed to accept this? No. But whatever right? I can only say so much because it gets messy. I throw the white flag up and give the fuck up. So he picks our kids up and heads back to our apartment. I wanted to go out that night. Really bad. Specifically with someone. My inner goddess has told me over as well as my conscious that J is not being faithful. I'm not stupid by any means and I believe the same. Even though he PLEADS he isn't. Yeah. Every weekend not coming home (well most of the time). Ignoring my calls, etc. It's getting a little ridiculous. So I figure two can play this game. My inner goddess was FLOORED! Screaming "DO IT! IF HE CAN SO CAN YOU!!" and she was right. Although my conscious was telling me to be a better person. Fuck that conscious of mine. I am always playing the better person and frankly, I am tired of it! Lets rewind to Friday night. I was talking with L. Yes formally known as SSN. Yes he is still super sexy. Things were great. We talk as friends, get along. But he thought I would drop my plans and just run to him. NO. You RUN TO ME. NOT THE OTHER WAY. Has he forgotten who he is potentially playing with? Or who he has played with? Young I am, groveling and desperate I am not. You want me, YOU COME TO ME. And I would of let him. Instead, I had my children because J had decided to play hooky with family and do his own thing. This made L very upset with me. Thinking I was being flaky. Our texts had turned into a somewhat mini txt boxing round. Going round and round. Both hitting below the belt until I busted out the Spanish. Talking sexy and seductive then after the …. I threw in culo. Yup he was being a culo. AN ASSHOLE. Ooops. That pissed him off and he cursed me back in Spanish. Fuck if that wasn't hot. I would have had him come to me right then and cuss me out in Spanish while hitting this shit nicely. Nicely? No. Hard. Even though our Spanish arguing insult exchange wasn't exactly nice, it turned ME ON! Is that strange. WE both exchanged a few more words and said good night. He is still currently dating around and knows nothing about J and I. I keep that a secret. Its none of his business. I don't ask about his dates. He doesn't need to know about my shit. PERIOD. Bitch move? Yeah, so what. Again my inner goddess has a grin on her face while sipping a martini. Now let's jump back to Saturday. J hounded me all night. I believe it was his first night with the kids in a while where I wasn't returning home. I really wanted to spend the night with L, but that wasn't happening. YET. Instead I drank a few beers, watched some movies, and got bombarded with texts from J. Calling me a Tramp, etc. Because I wasn't coming home. See where I am going with this? Okay for him to do it, but not me? I would sit back and continually let him do this to me. I refuse this from this day forward. I will do what I want. I will continue to be the best mother, but I will do what I want, with who I want, when I want. He has caused me to sell my car. So he has complete control over me. Or so he thinks. He has pounded me down further and further into the ground. Making me feel worthless, useless, ugly, a loser. I know these things are not true. But I can't help but get down on myself and I look back on where I was when he had split. It was initially hard. But I got over it. When I did, it was great. I was so happy. I was doing great, and he comes back into my life and gives me these promises. AS it turns out, they are all empty. No longer. This is a new chapter in my life. I will run it, and I will be free. Very soon. Little does he know.

" The hardest thing in life is accepting yourself and to accept who you are… we live each day trying to live up to the standards society sets out for us, we forget who we are because we are too busy trying to be something we are not for people who do not care. "

Walk a thousand miles in my shoes, just to see

What it's like to be me I'll be you lets trade shoes

Just to see what I'd be like to feel your pain and you feel mine

Go inside each other's minds

Just to see what we'd find

Look at shit through each other's eyes

Don't let them say you aint beautiful

They can all get FUCKED just stay true to you

Don't matter saying you aint beautiful

They can all get fucked, just stay true to you….