Don’t Let Them Say You Ain’t Beautiful…

I am going to keep this kinda anonymous. I am not stupid and I assume many of you may know who *I* am, as well as some of the people I write about. I am okay with that. I just don't want to divulge or share anymore pictures. One thing I do know is, I need this. I need to write, I have a lot to write about and I really, really need to get it out. I am hoping this will make its way around the world and maybe help others. Perhaps my motivation behind this is for other woman and men to get the courage to just do things. Maybe to help them through tough times, or just simply feel better about themselves. I'd be lying if I said this year has been great, because it hasn't. Of course it has had its great times. More bad than good I would have to say. At least that is what I see in my eyes. So here I am back to my outlet, writing. Hoping to not only touch people and inspire them with my stories and hopefully my courageous-ness, but make them laugh as well. Although this blog may hit some all time lows and depressing moments that doesn't mean it won't make you chuckle (at me). It's going to be everything. This time, I am choosing to put it all out there. I have seemed to fall into a dark place. Craving certain things, doing certain things, and wanting everything completely opposite of what I thought I wanted. So many things have changed and I want to see myself somewhere else, doing something else. I believe everything has happened to me for a specific reason and throughout my writing and my postings I will divulge all of that. So I hope you are willing to take this journey with me. To the deep dark thoughts of me and the happy, giddy, super confident inner goddess. I have many parts of me that I have hid away, and now I choose to open up. Completely.

My current choice of music for this post is EMINEM'S – RELAPSE. I chose this particular album because I relate to it so much at this moment.

Welcome to my world. Let's get started.

Questions first? Sure.

1. Am I engaged still? Hell no.
   
2. Is J still in my life? Yes.
   
3. Has he "changed" as he had promised to? Fuck. NO!
   
4. Am I happy? Yes to a certain extent.
   
5. Am I happy when I around him? No. NOT.AT.ALL.
   
6. Do I love him? Of course. Father of my kids. Am I *IN* love with him? No.
   
7. Do I still talk to L? Yes. More so recently these past few weeks. We had a minor blow out this last weekend. EEK!
   

   
   

   
   

I am going to leave it there. If you have any more questions ask. I will gladly oblige in answering them.

Now onto the good stuff.

Things were going really great with J and I. Of course we were fighting here and there. That's normal with every couple right? Last year it got bad one night. He had threatened to kill a friend I was speaking to on the phone. I loved my dear friend and since being with J I have lost almost complete contact with her. I loved my K. She meant so much to me. And she was really, always, always there for me when I had first separated from him to the wedding shit, engagement, whatever. I am sadden it isn't the same it was. And I have not only myself for totally entrapping my life with J, but it's his fault too. He has turned into an evil person. Very controlling. I can't do this, can't go here, can't have a break, god forbid I hang out with anyone he doesn't know. I am automatically fucking them. Perhaps he is so insecure with his past history he expels it onto me? I think so. I do not really hang out with my former best friend E. We were very, very close as he was going through the same thing. It wasn't a sexual relationship what-so-ever. He was just a great listener and he was going through the exact same thing I was. I am also sadden J has caused me to lose this relationship due to his jealously. Of course he can do what he wants, when he wants, with whom he chooses. If I speak up? Well we can guess what happens there. I am a cunt, bitch, whore and just this last weekend I took a break. I usually go away on the weekends because it's got to the point where I am tired of fighting with him. I have two dear children I love so much, and will not fight in front of them. Anyways, this past weekend I had him pick them up from my mothers on Saturday. He decided to stay out ALL OF FRIDAY NIGHT. This is a regular occurrence. I guess I am supposed to accept this? No. But whatever right? I can only say so much because it gets messy. I throw the white flag up and give the fuck up. So he picks our kids up and heads back to our apartment. I wanted to go out that night. Really bad. Specifically with someone. My inner goddess has told me over as well as my conscious that J is not being faithful. I'm not stupid by any means and I believe the same. Even though he PLEADS he isn't. Yeah. Every weekend not coming home (well most of the time). Ignoring my calls, etc. It's getting a little ridiculous. So I figure two can play this game. My inner goddess was FLOORED! Screaming "DO IT! IF HE CAN SO CAN YOU!!" and she was right. Although my conscious was telling me to be a better person. Fuck that conscious of mine. I am always playing the better person and frankly, I am tired of it! Lets rewind to Friday night. I was talking with L. Yes formally known as SSN. Yes he is still super sexy. Things were great. We talk as friends, get along. But he thought I would drop my plans and just run to him. NO. You RUN TO ME. NOT THE OTHER WAY. Has he forgotten who he is potentially playing with? Or who he has played with? Young I am, groveling and desperate I am not. You want me, YOU COME TO ME. And I would of let him. Instead, I had my children because J had decided to play hooky with family and do his own thing. This made L very upset with me. Thinking I was being flaky. Our texts had turned into a somewhat mini txt boxing round. Going round and round. Both hitting below the belt until I busted out the Spanish. Talking sexy and seductive then after the …. I threw in culo. Yup he was being a culo. AN ASSHOLE. Ooops. That pissed him off and he cursed me back in Spanish. Fuck if that wasn't hot. I would have had him come to me right then and cuss me out in Spanish while hitting this shit nicely. Nicely? No. Hard. Even though our Spanish arguing insult exchange wasn't exactly nice, it turned ME ON! Is that strange. WE both exchanged a few more words and said good night. He is still currently dating around and knows nothing about J and I. I keep that a secret. Its none of his business. I don't ask about his dates. He doesn't need to know about my shit. PERIOD. Bitch move? Yeah, so what. Again my inner goddess has a grin on her face while sipping a martini. Now let's jump back to Saturday. J hounded me all night. I believe it was his first night with the kids in a while where I wasn't returning home. I really wanted to spend the night with L, but that wasn't happening. YET. Instead I drank a few beers, watched some movies, and got bombarded with texts from J. Calling me a Tramp, etc. Because I wasn't coming home. See where I am going with this? Okay for him to do it, but not me? I would sit back and continually let him do this to me. I refuse this from this day forward. I will do what I want. I will continue to be the best mother, but I will do what I want, with who I want, when I want. He has caused me to sell my car. So he has complete control over me. Or so he thinks. He has pounded me down further and further into the ground. Making me feel worthless, useless, ugly, a loser. I know these things are not true. But I can't help but get down on myself and I look back on where I was when he had split. It was initially hard. But I got over it. When I did, it was great. I was so happy. I was doing great, and he comes back into my life and gives me these promises. AS it turns out, they are all empty. No longer. This is a new chapter in my life. I will run it, and I will be free. Very soon. Little does he know.

" The hardest thing in life is accepting yourself and to accept who you are… we live each day trying to live up to the standards society sets out for us, we forget who we are because we are too busy trying to be something we are not for people who do not care. "

Walk a thousand miles in my shoes, just to see

What it's like to be me I'll be you lets trade shoes

Just to see what I'd be like to feel your pain and you feel mine

Go inside each other's minds

Just to see what we'd find

Look at shit through each other's eyes

Don't let them say you aint beautiful

They can all get FUCKED just stay true to you

Don't matter saying you aint beautiful

They can all get fucked, just stay true to you….