Vulnerable.

"It's not like you to turn away

from all the bullshit I can't take

it's not like me to walk away.

I'm so addicted to you."

I don't even know where I am going with this post. I just need to write I suppose. Since I really don't feel like talking to anyone about any of these things. I will write. I am not sure where I am emotionally right now. I went to bed last night feeling, unsatisfied. Not with my entire life, just a portion. I am tired of feeling that way. I can elaborate on the whole "unsatisfied" feeling, but I am afraid it will take days. I just don't know. I did my usual nightly routine. Dinner with kids, cleaned up, watched a little TV, read, got the kids ready for bed. I finally climbed into bed around 11-12ish. The whole time my fingers on my phone. Itching to call, feigning to text. I realized at that moment that I had to stop. I couldn't do this to myself. I do not know what it is about that person but he just attracts me. I am the fly and he is the fly trap. I am unknowingly flying into a trap. The smell of the sweet nectar has me totally blinded to the spikes that will be my sudden death. As I sit in bed watching late night news I decide it's time. It's time to write….him. I had wanted to write him all night, talk to him, touch him, feel him, smell him. But I resisted. And it hit me like a ton of bricks how sad I was. How torn I was. I still have my unresolved issues here to deal with and my life still sorting itself out. I needed to check my emotions, and quick. So I wrote him. I did not text, I did not call. I was a coward. I sent an email. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Instead of writing what I did, I wished I had wrote how much he means to me. How I cannot stop thinking of him. Why is this happening? Why him? It's been over a year with our back and forth and we haven't fallen into a steady pace. I constantly fight with myself over this. Over him. Is it wrong? "Of course my conscious says. You have not yet resolved your prior obligations or issues. It's absurd to think of another man for so long. It's even more absurd because you haven't even finished cleaning up the mess with the last one." My heart breaks a little. I know my conscious is right. It is selfish of me to want this man the way I do and still have so much to do for myself. It would be unfair for him. For me. I think? As I am writing my inner goddess is shooting steam from her ears, and all of sudden she isn't so confident. "What the FUCK are you doing? He makes you happy? Yes. You fight? Yes. Bad? No. He likes and cares for you? Yes. He would take care of you? Yes. You get a rush and care for him deeply? Yes. You know what you want to do? Yes. Then why are you doing the opposite of what YOU REALLY WANT? I don't know." I keep writing. I tell him how I miss him so very much. How on nights like this I wish he could be with me. Next to me. Holding onto me tightly, so tight, afraid I may go, so he holds tighter. I continue to tell him that I didn't want to cloud his life with my issues and my problems and I certainly didn't want to agitate him. I told him I would like to take a step back and leave it there. I instantly wanted to backspace all of that shit. I continued, letting him know that I do care for him so very much, and if we were to run into each other maybe things could be different for us, if he gets involved with anyone I wished him luck. I said we could of been so awesome and so on. But ultimately I was taking a step back and leaving things with that step back. I would continue further without this. I said I would call and say hi every once in a while just so we could be friends…Send a friendly "hello" via text or email. I signed it with a simple "I miss you. Take Care…xoxoxox C" Send. I laid my head down on my pillow and closed my eyes. I went to sleep. I had a dream. It was about him. What's done is done. And even though I feel I did the right thing I don't think I did. I never give up. But I have such a complicated situation here that I need to sort out. It's not fair. Sure we could build our relationship on just physical things but I could feel deep down inside me that it would not work that way. My feelings are invested already, and I have let a man hurt me far too much. I can't do this to myself anymore. Oh … if only I was programmed like certain other women. Women who would be totally content with just a physical relationship. Maybe if it was with someone else. Not him. I care.

So I sit here now, looking at the text from him. I had asked him if he read my email. I usually get a response quickly. He said he hadn't checked yet but he would. The lump in my throat grew larger. I said oh okay well It's there. Have a great day. I didn't know what else to say. I want to write, scream, yell. But I will give up this fight with myself. I will leave it alone. Leave it just like it is now. Even though my mind is constantly wandering to him, and memories, I will stop it there. Until, I can stop fighting with myself.